I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
