did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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