Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Your penis caused this!
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
