i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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