Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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