woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
