It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
