a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I love having hate sex.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
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