got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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