I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
