Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
