I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
