I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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