this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
