I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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