Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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