you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I met the friendliest cop last night
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I just want to make out with him forever
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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