That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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