I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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