the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
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