i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
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