3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
40s are totally the cure
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
