When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
