Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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