I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
