Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I supernannyed him into submission
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
