i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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