when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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