its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
It was confusing and full of hummus
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I'm always down for nudity.
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