I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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