As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
