How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Randomize
