***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
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