God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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