he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
He passed out mid-signature
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
