Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
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