No stitches, just platelets and will power
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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