I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
