My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
