Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
