You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
