He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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