Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
