One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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