Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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