I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
