tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
