How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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