I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
