I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Randomize
