i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
