I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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