God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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